手机版
My teens are on notice. They should have no expectation of electronic privacy as far as their mother and I are concerned. We consider everything they post to Facebook, every text message or photo they send, every website they visit and every email they exchange to be our business, subject to review at any time.
Harsh?
Occasionally, when I mention this policy in conversation with other parents, I get a politely horrified reaction, as though I'd just transformed into Dick Cheney in front of their eyes.
What about trust and respect among family members? Autonomy? Dignity? As your children travel the road toward maturity and independence, don't you want them to see you as a loving guide leading the way, not a traffic cop hiding in the bushes?
These concerns nag at me. I think of myself as an enlightened parent (don't we all?) who values an open, honest, supportive relationship with his kids. And I remember how righteously I demanded my privacy when I was their age.
I resolve those concerns with a shopworn cliché: Things are different now.
Electronic communications have a permanence and a susceptibility to being duplicated and disseminated that the diaries and conversations I considered off limits to my folks didn't have.
My ill-chosen words and humiliating admissions from high school either faded quickly from memory or ended up packed away in closets and crawl spaces. Theirs stand to be archived in searchable databases along with the thousands of digital images everyone with a cellphone now seems to generate.
And they do nearly all their communicating in writing, a medium in which it's particularly easy to be misunderstood. Emoticons are a poor substitute for facial expressions, body language and intonation.
And then, of course, there are Internet predators, cyberbullies, scam artists, propaganda and porn, just to name a few of the lions, tigers and bears along the road.
Yes, I know. This reads like it's copied from the Fuddy-Duddy Dad's Handbook (for instance, the telltale reference to email, as if kids use that anymore) — specifically the chapter on how to rationalize one's conversion to domestic fascism.
But my job, at this point, isn't to be cool. It's to help my 14-year-old twins learn to harness the awesome, seductive power of the communication tools we now hand them — we must hand them, as they are virtually a necessity in modern life — at an age when they don't yet have the judgment or experience to use them wisely and in moderation.
And since we wouldn't want to lurk over their shoulders at every moment or monitor every digital back-and-forth even if we had the time, we simply reserve the right to snoop without warning or notice. We tell them they should think of every IM, every text, every post and every comment as containing the header "cc: Mom & Dad."
We won't listen in when they're just talking to their friends or search their rooms unless we feel we have probable cause (defined as notably unusual and otherwise inexplicable behavior).
All computer screens in our house are in public areas with the screens facing out. The kids aren't allowed to have their cellphones at hand while doing homework or after bedtime. They must "friend" us, mortifying as that is.
This topic has already touched off a spirited conversation on my regular Facebook page and my professional Facebook page (don't ask, just "like" and friend me) and here on this blog, where without prejudice I threw out the question:
Do you, should you, reserve the right to read your teen's Facebook message threads, text message conversations and email?
I haven't totaled up the responses, but quite a few parents have echoed the sentiments of my Facebook (and real life) friend Darrah Cousino, mother of three, who wrote, "Once your child is in high school, there has to be probable cause before you are invasive. It is a matter of respect."
But many sided with Mike Wean, who anticipated my answer when he posted, "I feel I have to. The Web is a minefield, you can literally be bullied to death via social media, and a loose text can ruin your reputation. My wife and I keep tabs, but rarely intervene. More important, we talk a lot about how to have fun with all these cool tools without doing anything too stupid."
There isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to teens and digital privacy. But there is one common goal: To minimize the number of serious mistakes they make with electronica before we unleash them into the adult world, and to have them look back one day and text us: "Thanks. Well done. :)"
文：埃里克?佐恩（Eric Zorn）
译：Easonwang001
我两个十几岁的孩子一直被看着呢。只要有我们在，他们就别指望有什么电子隐私。在我们父母看来，他们贴在Facebook上的每条帖子、他们发出的每条短信和每幅图片，他们访问的每个网址，他们与朋友交流的每封邮件都是我们理应关心的份内之事，随时都可以检查。
有点不近人情？
偶然间，与其他父母聊天的时候，我谈到了我们的这个方针，他们都很惊愕，委婉地表示了不同意见，在他们眼里，好像我已经成了另外一个迪克?切尼（Dick Cheney）。
家人之间的信任和尊重哪儿去了？自主权哪儿去了，尊严又放在哪儿？孩子们慢慢地成熟和独立了，你想让他们觉得你自己是个带路的好先导，还是躲在树丛中的交通警察？
这些担心不断烦扰着我。作为父母，我们觉得自己还算开明，很重视与孩子们那种开放、坦诚和支持的关系。我们做父母的不都是这样吗？还记得我是他们那么大的时候，我要求别人尊重自己隐私时的那种理直气壮。
对付那些担心，我的回答很老套：现在的情况不一样了。
电子方式沟通时的内容存在是永久的，也容易产生伤害，这很伤害容易放大和扩散，而传统的那些日记和谈话，尽管也是禁忌的话题，却没有那么大的影响。
高中时的我选择不当的用词和令人羞愧的坦白书要么已经很快地从记忆中淡忘了，要么就被打包放在家里的哪个小柜或者空地方了。而现在的孩子们的呢？现在每个有手机的人随手就能拍出照片，他们的言词就跟这些照片一起存放在可以搜索的数据库里。
现在他们几乎所有的交流都是靠写作完成的，而偏偏这种方式特别容易产生误解。与面部表情、身体语言和抑扬顿挫的语调相比，表情符号代替的效果还是不行的。
当然，与现实中拦在路上的狮子、老虎一样，信息世界里也有网络虐童者、网霸、骗子、情色片。
当然，我知道：这些读起来好像是从老顽固的手册里摘抄出来的，特别像从有理地将谈话内容转化为家庭集权专制那一节弄出来的。
但是我现在的任务可没那么沉着冷静。我得帮助我那14岁的双胞胎学习一下怎么驾驭那了不起的、有魅力的通讯工具，因为那几乎是现在生活的必须。不过身处这样的时代，他们尚未有足够的判断力或经验理智而有节制地使用这些。
即使我们有时间，我们也不想每时每刻都在背后监视他们，关注他们来回的电子交流，所以我们保留没有任何预警或提前通知的查看监督的权利。我们告诉他们：你们应该觉得自己的每一条即时通讯、每一条短信、每一张帖子、每一个评论都含有“抄送：爸爸和妈妈”的抬头。
如果觉得没有充分的理由，他们在跟朋友谈话或者在房间里找东西时，我们是不会监听他们的。充分理由指的举动异常或者是行为神秘时。
我们家里所有的电脑屏幕都是在公共区域里，而且屏幕都朝外显示。做作业时或者上床睡觉，孩子们是不允许碰手机的。他们必须加我们为好友，尽管他们觉得那是约束。
在我常用的Facebook页面和博客页面，我毫无偏见地抛出了自己的问题：
你是否保留或者应该保留阅读十几岁的孩子Facebook 信息、短信聊天或者邮件内容的权利？
现在已经有了积极的回应。
我还没有统计所有的回应，但是相当多的父母表达了与我Facebook好友达拉?库西诺（Darrah Cousino）（当然，我们生活中也是好友）的观点，“你孩子上高中后，在你动手干预之前你得找个充分的理由。这是一个关乎尊重的问题。”
但也有很多人站在迈克?威恩（Mike Wean）一边，他们贴出自己的观点时也想到了我的答案：“我觉得我得保留那样的权利。网络也很危险，社交媒体也能吓死你，随便一条短息也能让您名誉扫地。我和我妻子都在密切地看着他们呢，几乎不做干预。更重要的是，怎样避免用这些酷酷的工具做傻事，我们谈了很多如何用这些工具做有趣的事情。”
就十几岁的孩子和电子隐私之间如何协调没有什么通用的方法。但有一条共同的目标：在释放他们进入成人世界之前，我们得尽量减少他们用电子工具犯下的严重错误。哪一天回过头来想起这些事情的时候，他们会给我们发条短信：“谢谢爸妈。你们做得很对。”
