In my last post on The Change Blog, I talked about disconnecting your happiness from others – how when you depend on others for your happiness you only make yourself （and others） more unhappy. Instead, I said, you need to find happiness within.

Easier said than done though, I know. To find happiness within, you can go to coaches, psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists, or any other number of happiness professionals. You can read books, blogs, or magazines, watch TV shows and DVDs or listen to the radio, podcasts or self-improvement CDs.

And yet when it comes down to it, there are only two things you need to remember if you want to be happy.

1. It's not about you, so check the ego at the door.

2. Whatever you do, do it because you choose to.

It's not about you

This is easy-sounding advice but probably one of the hardest things to actually implement. Human beings seem to be biologically programmed to think everything has something to do with them.

An earthquake hits their house? A direct attack on their happiness.

A friend says something thoughtless and hurtful? An unfair and gratuitous attack and not because the friend has a splitting headache and has been dealing with a malfunctioning computer all day long.

A loved one does something that's reminiscent of something that caused pain in the past? How dare the loved one bring up such hurtful memories!

When we make things all about us and don't check our ego at the door, we shut out the world and yet at the same time expect everyone to consider our feelings, our needs and our emotional baggage before their own. We let pride cause us to react negatively and we let the past overly influence our responses to present situations.

Let's look at a （fictional） example:

Let's say I've let my partner use my laptop. I don't like to run the computer on AC power with the battery plugged in just in case the battery has a "memory" - I want to maintain the life of the battery as long as I can. I've explained this to my partner and yet one day I come into the room and see that he's running the computer off AC power and has the battery plugged in as well.

I get angry and express my anger. My partner reacts by saying "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant once the battery was fully charged. I was planning on unplugging it once it reached a 100% charge."

Instead of accepting this explanation, I let pride and ego get in the way and stay angry for several hours, with thoughts like "how stupid could he be?" and "but I explained it to him!" running through my head. In fact, he reminds me of an ex who never listened either and always did the opposite of what I ask.

Plus my partner is now upset because he's sorry that he misunderstood and angry because I've refused to accept his explanation.

Our day is now totally ruined.

If you find yourself in situations like this, before ruining your day （and that of others） ask yourself the following questions:

* Is this a purposeful attack on me or a misunderstanding?

* Why am I really upset?

* Can I change what's going on?

In the above example, if I had made an effort to hear my partner I would have quickly realized that although his misunderstanding was frustrating, it wasn't a personal attack or wanton negligence. As well with a little self-reflection, I would have realized that my anger actually has little to do with the current situation and more to do with my own feelings of people not listening to or following my wishes. Again, since the current situation was a misunderstanding, it has nothing to do with the past.

Finally, can I change the situation? In this case yes. If I don't think my partner will use the computer in the way I wish it to be used, I can ask that he not use it in the future.

By disconnecting myself and my feelings of hurt and frustration from the situation, I can deal with the issue quickly, find a resolution and go back to being happy.

As long as I remember that except for very rare situations with highly negative people, potentially upsetting situations are most of the time only misunderstandings and not personal attacks, then I don't have to let them ruin my day.

Even in the rare situations where someone is purposefully trying to hurt you, if you remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with that person's own emotional baggage then whatever he or she tosses our way has no lasting effect on our happiness.

Choose what you do

So that takes care of the actions of others. We now won't let what other people do affect our own happiness. But what about our own actions? Many people pass through life doing things they hate and tell themselves they have to do them or that they have no choice.

And for some, unfortunately that is the case. People who do not have their basic needs met on a regular basis （i.e., food, shelter and basic security – the first two levels of Maslow's human hierarchy of needs pyramid） often have to make difficult choices between various shades of unhappiness.

For many people however, everything they do is a choice and if they are unhappy about their choices, often one of three things is getting in the way:

1. Obligation

2. Autopilot

3. Expectations

People who live with a sense of obligation are always saying "I should do this" rather than "I want to" or "I choose to." They feel that the world judge their actions and that they need to conform to some outside view of what is proper and right. They bury their dreams and desires and live to someone else's code of behavior （often completely imagined）.

Others live in the future instead of the present. They have certain goals that they expect to reach （often highly colored by what others supposedly want them to do） and pay no attention to how they feel in the moment. Yes, sometimes to reach a goal we end up doing things that don't totally thrill us, but if we're reaching for a goal whose path is loathsome, then why head in that direction?

Then there's a third group of people who live on autopilot letting situations decide their actions or blindly follow what other people tell them to do without questioning whether it's right for them. People who live this way are often unhappy but don't know why they're unhappy, which makes sense because if they're sleepwalking through life they're not going to be paying my attention to their emotions either.

Fortunately this type of unhappiness is relatively easy to cure. It starts by living consciously and being aware of our actions. If necessary we can log our days and our decisions, noting how we feel about each action. By doing so we force ourselves to be aware of every action and every choice we make. We also become aware of the scripts that run through our head as we do things.

For example, I always used to find myself really cranky after hanging up the laundry to dry. For no clear reason, every time I hung the laundry I had formed the habit of letting all the little annoying things about my day, my partner and my business run through my head as I hung the clothes on the line. Understandably I therefore hated hanging the laundry. By paying attention to what I was doing and thinking I changed the habit and now make an effort to think about positive things and I no longer hate hanging the laundry.

The first two types of unhappiness – obligation and expectations – are a little more complicated and require more in depth examination of our motives and desires.

In Spanish there are two ways of asking "why" – one which looks back at reasons （por qué） and one that looks forward at intention （para qué）.

When we ask ourselves por qué， we look back at the things that have brought us to the action. For example, before starting my own business, I tried to fit into the nine-to-five office world even though it made me miserable. By asking myself por qué I learned that I was doing so because I thought that's what a responsible adult did – work and earn money to buy things even if you're not happy.

Then when I asked myself para qué – what for? what desire was I chasing? – I had no answer. That was when I decided to get out and follow my dreams.

And even though the life of an entrepreneur is hard at times, I'm much （much!） happier.

Now, because I live my life consciously, aware of my actions, and because I ask myself why and what for （reasons and desires）, I make decisions and choices on a daily basis that add to my happiness – which comes 100% from within me and doesn't depend on anyone else.

Happiness Tricks

To finish off, let's talk a bit about resources.

Everyone has their favorite short cuts to happiness, whether it's dancing in the living room, getting together with friends, or curling up with a book. If you want some proven ways to make yourself happier, there are a huge number of books and websites available.

I've included here my Top Four resources （in no particular order）.:

1. The Comfort Trap by Judith Sills

2. Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert

3. 59 Seconds by Richard Wiseman

4. The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin （book in pre-order but the blog offers a lot of great tips）

我在改变博客中的上一篇帖子提到让你的快乐远离他人，如果你的快乐取决于他人，那么你只会让自己和他人更加的不快乐。要我说，你更应该从自身寻找快乐。

当然我知道说者易，做者难。为了从内心寻找快乐，你可向私人教练，心理学家，精神医师，辅导员，治疗师或者其他的各种各类的快乐专家求助；也可以通过阅读书籍，博客或者杂志，观看电视节目或者光碟，再或者听收音机，播客或者自我进修的光盘来找寻内在的快乐。

归根结底，如果你想变得快乐，你只需要记住两件事：

1.这与你无关，所以在事情临近时保持自我！

2.选择你所要做的，无论何事。

与你无关

这个建议听起来很容易，但是实际上是最难实现的一个。人类作为一个生物体总会认为万事与自己相关。

地震袭击了他们房屋？对他们快乐的直接攻击。

朋友说了些轻率而且伤害到你的话？不公平而且毫无缘由的攻击，并不是因为朋友有偏头痛或者用了一整天有故障的电脑。

恋人做了些什么让你回想起过去曾因此而受过的伤害？恋人怎么敢提起如此伤人的记忆呢！

当我们把所有的事情都与自己相关联，而不是在开始之前审视自我，我们将会与世隔绝并且总是希望他人在他们自己之前优先考虑到我们的感受，我们的需求，我们的心理包袱。我们因自负产生消极的反应，我们因过去而过分影响对现状的反应。

让我们来看一个（虚构的）案例：

假如我将我的笔记本电脑借给搭档使用。我不喜欢电池没有卸下就直接用交流电运行电脑，只是避免电池有"记忆性"---我想尽量将电池的寿命维护的长一些。尽管我已经将这个与搭档说明了，但是有一天我走进房间，看见电脑在运行着，交流电源插头已经掉了，但是电池还在上面。（说明刚才是插着电池用的交流电源）

我非常的生气并且发起火来。我的搭档回答道："噢，对不起，我以为你说避免电池满电的时候充电呢，我刚才还想着电池一充满我就拔下电源的。"

我没有接受他的解释，取而代之的是想到自我和自尊，并且气了好几个小时，不停地想着"他怎么这么蠢呢？""而且我还跟他说明白了！"事实上，他让我想起了我的上一个搭档，从来不听我的，而且总是与我要求的对着干。

另外，我的搭档现在十分的沮丧，为自己的误解而难过，为我拒绝他的解释而生气。

我们的一天就这样毁掉了。

如果你发现你自己处于这样的状况，在你毁掉自己和他人的一天前，问一问自己下面的问题：

* 这是一个有意针对你的伤害还是仅仅是一个误会？

* 为什么我真的很难过？

* 我能不能改变一下将要发生的事呢？

在上面的案例中，如果我能努力听取搭档的解释，我或许会很快就意识到尽管他的误解让人很沮丧，但是可以确定那不是人身攻击或者有意过失。如果自己反省一下，我或许就会意识到我的愤怒与现状毫无关联，仅仅是因他人不听从我或者他人不能随我愿的缘故。再次强调，现状仅仅是一个误会，与过去无关。

归根结底，我能不能改变现状呢？在这个案例里答案是肯定的。如果我知道搭档不会按照我的要求去用我的电脑，我可以拒绝以后借给他使用。

通过将自我和因现状而受到的伤害和挫败感进行拆析，我可以快速应对这个问题，并且找到解决之法，重新变回快乐，

只要我记得的高攻击性的人是不多见的，大部分时间里，让人感到不舒服的情况只是一个误会而不是人身攻击，因此我也不会让误会来毁掉我的一天。

然而即使在少见的情况里，有人故意伤害你，如果你记得这并不是你的错，这一切是只是他人的感情包袱问题，这样他或她对我们生活的扰乱就不会对我们的快乐产生持久的影响。

选定你要做的

因此要顾及到他人的反应。现在开始，我们将不允许他人来影响我们自己的快乐。但是我们自己反应是否要顾及呢？许多人一生都在做自己不喜欢的事，并且告诉自己必须这样做或者自己毫无选择。

然而不幸的是事实往往如此。不能够如期地满足生活基本需求（如：食物，避难所和基本安全保障--马斯洛的人类需求等级金字塔的最底的两层）的人们不得不经常在各种烦恼中做出艰难的选择。

对于很多人而言，他们所做的一切都是自己的选择，但是如果他们对自己的选择不满意，往往是下面三种情况之一妨碍了他们：

1.责任感

2.放任自由

3.预期值

责任感很强的人们经常说："我应该这样做！"而不是"我要···""我选择······".他们感觉世人会评价他们的行为，他们必需遵守他人对规矩和正确的观点。他们抑制自己的梦想和欲望，遵从他人的行为规章（往往都是猜测）.

一些人不是活在当下，而是活在将来。他们有坚定的目标并且期望能达到（这些事往往因他人可能要他们所做的事情而被高度渲染）,从不关心他们当下的感受。当然，我们有时可以达到目标，因为做一些不会让我们紧张的事情，但是如果我们要达到目标的方式令人很讨厌，那么为什么我还朝那个方向前进呢？

第三类人放任自由，依靠态势来决定自己的行为或者盲目地顺从人们的建议，根本不会怀疑这对他们自己是不是适合的。这类人总是不开心，却又不知道自己为什么不开心。如果他们自己都梦里人生，我也不会顾及他们的感受的，这样就可以想得通他们为什么不高兴了。

幸运的是这种类型的不快乐相对容易康复，只要开始有意识地生活并且觉察我们的行为。如果需要，我们可以记录下我们的决定和每天生活，记下我们对每个行为的感受。如此一来我们可以强迫自己觉察每个行为和我们做出的选择。我们也会对忙碌时一些滑过脑际的想法变得敏感。

譬如：我发现过去每次去干洗店挂完衣服回来都会变的暴躁异常。不知道为什么，每次我去干洗店晾衣服，当我挂衣服的时候，总是会让许多关于我的生活，我的搭档和我的生意的琐屑讨厌小事萦绕在我的脑海里，似乎已经养成了习惯。由此可想而知，我理所当然地讨厌去干洗店晒衣服。通过对自己的行为和想法的留意，我改变了这个习惯，而且现在努力去想一些积极的事情，我变得再也不讨厌去干洗店晒衣服了。

责任感和期望值是不快乐的类型中最多的两种，这有点复杂，并且需要更深入的对自我动机和欲望的审视。

西班牙语里面有两种方式提问"为什么"---一是回头看原因 （por qué）,一是向前看动机（para qué）.

当我们问自己por qué时，我们回头审视让我们做出行为的因素。例如，在我开始自己的生意以前，我试图融入白领生活，尽管那让我很难过。后来通过问自己 por qué ,我醒悟过来，我这样做是因为一个成年人的责任，工作并且挣生活费，无论你开心与否。

当我问自己para qué 时--我这样做是为了什么？我在追逐什么愿望？如果我不能回答这个问题，我就下决心放弃现在做的，转为做自己梦想得到的。

尽管企业家的生活有时是很艰难的，但我变得更快乐啦！

我现在清醒地生活着，通过问自己为什么和为了什么，审视自己的行为，审视每天所做的决定和选择，这些决定和选择增加了我的快乐，而这快乐是百分之百发自内心的，并不是依赖他人的。

快乐小技巧

结尾，让我们来讲一点资源。

每个人都有自己喜欢的快乐小窍门，比如在客厅翩翩起舞，与朋友聚聚，或者抱着书蜷腿而坐。如果你需要一些确定有效的方式来让自己更快乐，下面的书籍和网站将会对你有所帮助。

我在此总结了四个最顶级的资源（无先后顺序）:

1.朱迪斯。西尔斯着《安慰的陷阱》

2.丹尼尔。吉伯特着《遭遇幸福》

3.理查德。怀特曼着《59秒》

4.格林琴。鲁宾着《快乐工程》（书籍需要预定但是博客将提供大量的不错的技巧）