It's hard to make children do what's good for them when they've got other ideas. Author and psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield shows how pressing the right buttons can make a lasting contribution to your child's wellbeing.

当孩子思想不通时，很难使他们做对他们自己有益的事。作家兼心理治疗学家盖尔-林登费尔德向你揭示了下列可能对你的孩子的健康成长具有持久影响的正确方法。

Physical force or threats may make children do as they're told in the short term but their compliance will last only as long as the threat is relevant. Then they will go back to doing what they wanted to do in the first place.

强制或威胁也许能使孩子暂时惟命是从，但也仅仅限于威胁起作用的时候。过后，他们又回到原来想做的事上去。

The parental approval ploy--"Mummy will be so pleased" or "Daddy would be so proud of you"--may have limited success when they're small but it won't work on teenagers, whose strongest motivation is parental disapproval. This sort of eager-to-please passivity is not likely to impress a future boss looking for a go-getter.

父母采用赞许的办法——如：“妈妈会非常高兴”或“爸爸会为你感到自豪”——在孩子很小时有时也许能奏效，但对十几岁的少年却不起作用，这个年龄段的孩子做事总是与父母的意见相悖。这种对“急欲取悦别人”的否定心态将来找工作可就难了，它不可能给老板留下好印象，因为他要的是富有事业心的人。

However, there are ways to build and boost their self-motivation in a way that will be as beneficial to you as to them. Here are some tips on how to help your children want to do what they need to do:

然而，有一些办法可以发展和促进孩子的自我激励意识，它对父母和孩子都有益。以下即是如何帮助你的孩子主动做他们应该做的事的诀窍：

1 Constantly remind them they deserve success--self-esteem is at the heart of self-motivation but remember, your love is not enough. They have to act in a loving way towards themselves so make them aware of behaviour and habits that are self-destructive and self-sabotaging.

经常提醒他们会取得成功——自尊是自我激励的核心，但要记住仅有你的爱是不够的。他们必须自爱，因此，要使他们认识哪些行为和习惯对自己有害，会造成对己不利的影响。

2 Fire up their curiosity and excitement about life by extending their horizons--take them on adventures to new places and ensure they meet as many different kinds of people as possible to broaden their outlook.

扩大他们的视野以激发他们对生活的好奇心和兴奋点——带他们去异国他乡、奇风异俗的地方，尽量接触各色人等，以此扩大他们的视野。

3 Encourage them to pursue realistic dreams--and make sure these are kept alive and believable. For example, get books or videos or cut out articles about people doing what they want to do, or find a way for them to meet them or write to them. Most successful adults will willingly make time to inspire children who want to be like them.

鼓励他们追求可成为现实的梦想——确保这些梦想能够继续和可信。比如，为他们购买关于那些能做自己想做的事的人的书籍、录像或剪报，或为他们想办法与这些人见面或给他们写信。多数功成名就的人都愿花时间激励崇拜他们的孩子。

4 Use "pull" not" push" to help them make hard choices and don't let your own fear of the unknown dictate what your children should or shouldn't do. Help them to find out what they really want and what is most likely to work by teaching them decision-making techniques. You can't make all their decisions for them and although you don't always approve or agree with what they want to do, you must be prepared to stand by them and offer support.

使用“拉”而不“推”的方法帮助他们做艰难的决择，不要因为担心自己不了解就决定孩子该做什么和不该做什么。教他们做决定的技巧，以此来帮他们认识自己真正想做什么和做什么最有效。你不能一切决定都代他做，尽管你对他们想做的事并非全都赞成或同意，但你必须与他们站在一起并支持他们。

5 Encourage them to be self-forgiving when they make mistakes--help them to see what they have learned from them and what you have learned from yours. Challenge their negative talk and make sure you're not too stressed to see the "silver lining", too.

当他们犯了错误时，鼓励他们原谅自己——帮助他们学会从错误中获得教益并告诉他们你从自己的错误中得到了什么教训。反驳他们的消极谈话，自己一定不要过于压抑以至于看不到失望中的“一线希望”。

6 Make the celebrity culture work for you and them--keep abreast of their current heroes. If they don't know much about them, do some research together to see what has helped them become successful and stay motivated. Magazines and the Internet are full of interviews and stories about how famous people " made it". You can then refer back to this meaningful wisdom when the going gets tough. For example:" David Beckham didn't get where he is today by staying up all night playing computer games," or" Kylie Minogue is so attractive because she smiles all the time."

让明星文化为你和孩子们发挥作用——了解他们当前心目中的英雄人物是哪些。如果他们不太了解这些人物，那你就与孩子们一起做些调查，看看是什么帮助这些明星成功并时刻让自己获得激励。杂志和因特网充满名人如“成功”的访问记和报道。当与孩子的交流出现问题时，可以回想一下并利用这些有用的智慧：比如“如果戴维-贝克汉姆整个晚上都玩电子游戏，他肯定不会取得今天的成就”或“剀莉-米诺格之所以如此迷人，是因为她总是面带微笑”。

7 Encourage them to be self-reflective when they get it right -- help them to think about the hows and whys. Reminding them of things they have done well in the past may also help. For example:"You seemed to have no trouble getting down to that essay. I wonder why it was easier for you to do your homework this week?" Or:" Do you remember during the exams last term, you found thinking positively and not panicking really seemed to help you?"

当孩子做对了，要鼓励他们进行思考——帮助他们想一想是怎样和为什么把事情做得很好的。让他们回忆过去做好的事情，这样做也有益。比如：“你写那篇文章似乎并不费劲。而且你做这礼拜的作业也更为容易?”或者“你还记得上学期考试时你发现处事乐观、积极，考场上镇静不慌确实对你很有帮助吗?”

8 Hold back on negative criticism until they have made their own assessment. For example:"Do you think putting yourself down all the time is motivating you?" is better than saying:"You shouldn't put yourself down -- it doesn't help." Similarly:" Do you think you have lost interest partly because you are so tired?" is preferable to: " If you got to bed earlier, you would feel differently."

在他们做出自我估价之前，克制反面的批评。例如：“你认为总是灰心丧气会对你有什么帮助吗?”的说法比“你不该灰心丧气，这对你没有好处!”要好。同样：“难道你不觉得有时疲劳会使你失去兴趣吗?”就比“如果你早点睡觉，感觉就会不一样!”更可取。

9 Encourage them to revel in their successes--teach them that celebrating achievements can inspire others and that it can be done in a way that doesn't sound like bragging and doesn't make other people feel small. Don't forget that for developing self-motivation, it is more important to celebrate the smaller milestones than the major achievements--they are naturally more rewarding.

鼓励孩子为自己的成功欢呼雀跃——告诉他们庆贺自己的成就能够激励他人，做法可以既不夸耀自己也不贬低他人。记住，要发展自我激励意识，庆祝较小的进步比庆祝大成就更为重要——它们当然更有回报。