有时真的是很难区分，让人迷惑。也许到头来是一场误会，也许是失之交臂。

Lovelies:

I'm going to pick right up where I left off on Friday, when I was telling you about my illicit affair with Arlo. （Well, illicit only in the sense that I was scared to mention it HERE, out of fear blogging about it might interrupt the natural flow of things, the way it seemed to with Sir Hugo.）

As you might recall, I was saying that, for whatever reason, I felt romantically attracted to Arlo--I wanted to tell him about my day and hear about his; I was delighted by his affection; it was nice to hold hands, etc. And yet, I just kept hesitating when it came to the sexual stuff. Which started to, understandably, seem a bit weird to him, understandably. On the fourth night that I left his apartment without staying over, he said, "Someday, you're going we're actually going to have to have a slumber party, you know."

* * *

Last Thursday was to be our fifth hang-out session. I was looking forward to it … but also feeling a bit anxious, thinking Arlo would be （perhaps justifiably） completely fed up with me if we didn't spend the night together. I was thinking that maybe he could sleep over without us actually having sex. I was thinking maybe I should stop being so uptight about the whole thing and just BONE the dude. Because frankly, at this point in my life, I do feel like it's a bit strange NOT to have sex by the third date if you're feeling into someone--unless there are some kind of extenuating circumstances. （What do you guys think?）

Anyway, Arlo and I got on the horn Thursday afternoon … We shot the breeze for a few minutes, and then the conversation turned to the fact that he was thinking of moving out to L.A. for the winter. （He's a freelancer, so he can work anywhere.） "Being here in New York when it's cold always depresses me," he said.

Hmm: Was he trying to tell me something? Maybe. So, I said, "You mentioned that you were thinking of doing that when I first met you." I was reminding myself of that fact, by pronouncing it, as much as I was doing anything else.

"Yeah, true. Although if there were anything to keep me here, I might stay."

OHHHH-kay.

"And," he continued, "I suppose leaving for six months isn't such a good thing for my personal life."

"Right. In fact, maybe it means we shouldn't hang out tonight?"

One thing led to another, and I found myself asking him what he thought the problem was, between us.

"I don't know," he answered. "It doesn't make any sense. You're definitely the coolest person I've ever dated."

And I will say--for the record, for what it's worth, because I'm an insecure ninny--that he'd reported to me a week or two before that a friend of his had pronounced me the hottest chick Arlo had ever dated.

Arlo continued: "I guess it's a lack of chemistry--but I don't even know if that's right. Because I feel like we have that, too. I guess it's just … I kept waiting for something to click into place, and it never did. And since I'm subletting, I've got to decide in a couple weeks if I'm going to move to L.A. or not … so … ."

So … that was that. I started to cry, and he asked me to tell him what I was feeling, and I said, "I don't know. It's just so WEIRD."

"It's depressing," he agreed.

And the thing that was so depressing--just to be specific--is THE ENORMOUS DISTANCE BETWEEN SOMEONE WHO IS ALMOST-RIGHT （like Arlo） AND SOMEONE WHO IS JUST RIGHT. Some days, it seems like an insurmountable difference.

What's so depressing is the feeling of connecting so much with a person （like Arlo） … and yet not connecting all the way.

What's so depressing is that he'd said at one point he wanted to know everything about me, and there's something really sad about the fact that that doesn't really seem to be true any more, certainly not in the same way. （Not like I'm so mysterious or anything, but you know.）

What's so depressing is that every time something doesn't work out, it often seems like a step farther away from finding someone, instead of a step closer.

Anyway, sorry to be gloomy. I'll perk up.

And regardless of what had passed between us, Arlo said he'd like to hang out over the weekend. I had other stuff going on, so I declined, but I think we'll hang out again soon. Because, really, there's no good reason not to spend time with him. And maybe what we were really meant to be, anyway, is friends.

What do you guys think?

Sigh.

亲爱的朋友们：

我将接着周五那天中断的故事讲下去，那时候我正在向你们讲述我和奥尔罗的不正当关系。哦，所谓的不正当只是在感觉方面，我很怕在这里提起，担心把这个写进博客里会让事情无法自然发展，就像和雨果先生那样。

我想你们还记得，我曾经说过，不知道为什么奥尔罗对我有种吸引力，我想告诉他自己每天的经历，也想听到他每天的经历，他对我的爱让我很开心，和他牵着手感觉也很好等等。但是我一直犹豫我们之间是不是应该有性这么回事。这似乎让他感到很怪异，这可以理解。在我第四次离开他的公寓而没有留下来过夜时，他说："你知道，总有一天你会和我来开一场实际上我们肯定会有的睡衣舞会。"

* * * * * *

上周四使我们第五次在一起，我有些期待，但也有些紧张，觉得如果我们这次还不一在一起过夜，奥尔罗可能真就受够我了，可能这也无可非议。我想，或许我们不用真的做爱他就能去睡觉。我想也许我不用对这件事这么紧张，只要应了这家伙就行了。因为，坦率的讲，在这件事上，如果对一个人有感觉，而经过三次约会还没有上床的话确实有点奇怪，除非是有什么情有可原的原因。你们有什么看法，我的朋友们？

无论如何，奥尔罗和我周四下午通了电话，我们闲聊了一会儿，然后话题转到他想搬到洛杉矶过冬天这件事上。他是一名自由职业者，所以在哪里工作都一样。他说："纽约的冬天很冷，这总是让我感到沮丧。"

恩，他是想告诉我什么吗？也许。所以，我说："我第一次见到你时你就说过你正在考虑这件事情。"我把话说出来是要提醒自己这和我做的其他事情一样。

"是啊，我确实说过。但是如果这里有什么东西能够让我留下，我会留下的。"

好吧。

他继续说："还有，我想离开六个月对我的个人生活来说也不是什么好事。"

"是的。实际上，也许这意味着我们今晚不该一起出去？"

雪上加霜的是，我发现自己正在问他他觉得我们之间存在什么问题。

"我不知道。"他回答说，"这没什么意义。你绝对是我约会过的最酷的人。"

为准确起见，我要说--管他呢，因为我是个没有安全感的傻子--一两个星期前奥尔罗就告诉我他的一个朋友说我是他约会过的最辣的美女。

奥尔罗继续说："我想可能是缺少某种化学反应吧，但我不知道是不是真是这样。因为我觉得我们之间有反应。我想这只是……我只是在等待事情水到渠成，但却没能等到。自从我subletting,我就不得不在未来几周内作出决定，看我要不要搬到洛杉矶去……所以……"

所以，事情就是这样。我开始哭起来，他让我告诉他我的感觉，我说："我不知道，这实在太不可思议了。"

"这真令人沮丧，"他回答说。

是的，让人沮丧的是和一个几乎是最好人选（比如奥尔罗）或者就是最好人选的人之间存在很大的距离，而且有时候，这种距离似乎不可逾越。

让人沮丧的是和一个相处的感觉非常好（比如我对奥尔罗）但却不能一直如此。

让人沮丧的他曾经一度说他想了解我的一切，但让人伤心地是事情远不是这样。（不喜欢我这样神秘或者说什么其他的，但你知道。Not like I'm so mysterious or anything, but you know.）

让人沮丧的是一旦有什么事情不能解决，你们之间就似乎远了一步，而不是近了一步。

不管怎样，很抱歉这样沮丧。我会振作起来。奥尔罗说，不管我们之间有什么过去，他还是希望这个周末能和我一起出去。我有其他事要做，所以我拒绝了，但我想我们很快就会再次一起出去。因为，真的，没什么理由好来拒绝和他在一起。而且，不管怎样，也许我们实际上本来就该做朋友。

你们觉得呢？

唉。