Handwriting:

Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Groceries:

Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

Relationships:

Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:

Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:

Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.

Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:

Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.

Shoes:

Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Cats:

Women: Women love cats.

Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Children:

Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:

Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:

Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."

Eating Out:

Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:

Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.

Menopause:

Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Phone:

Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Richard Gere:

Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:

Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Cameras:

Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms:

Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:

Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.

Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:

Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Conversation:

Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."

Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Leg Warmers:

Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Friends:

Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

Restrooms:

Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.

Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

笔迹

男人：值得表扬的是，他们从不装饰他们的书法。他们只是随便乱写，大概只有他们自己看得懂。

女人：女人用那些有香味的、彩色的便签，她们会用一个小圈或者小桃心代替“i”上面的一点。女人在写“b”和“g”的时候，那个圈画的大得离谱。看女人写的字条很痛苦。即便是分手信，她也会在最后画上个笑脸。

采购

女人：女人会根据需要列出购物单，去超市里买这些东西。

男人：男人会等到冰箱里只剩下半个柠檬和一罐啤酒。然后去超市买东西。他会把那些看着不错的东西都买下来。男人要付钱的时候，他的购物车里已经堆了成山的东西。当然，这个不会妨碍他排到快速付款的柜台前。

关系

女人：当一段关系结束的时候，女人会哭天抢地，对着女朋友倾吐心声，她还会写首名叫“所有男人都是白痴”的打油诗。之后就会继续过她的小日子。

男 人：放手对男人来说，更困难一点。在分手6个月之后，他会在周六的凌晨三点打电话：“我只是想让你知道，你毁了我的生活，我永远不会原谅你，我恨你，你就 是个贱人！不过我想你知道，我们之间一直还有机会。”这种叫做“我恨你/我爱你”的酒后电话，99%的男人至少打过一次。有些地方甚至会专门教男人克服这 种需求。

性

女人：她们喜欢30-40分钟的前戏。

男人：30-40秒的前戏更好。男人觉得开车去她家就已经算前戏了。

成熟

女人：她们比男人成熟得早很多。大部分17岁的姑娘已经和成年女性差不多了。

男人：大部分17岁的小伙子还热衷于交换棒球卡、在体育课之后打打闹闹。这也就是为什么高中时期的恋情很少有结果。

杂志

男人：男性杂志的噱头是女人的裸体照片。男人一看到女人的裸体，就开始兴奋了。

女人：女性杂志的噱头也是女人的裸照。这是因为女性的身体是精美的艺术品，而男人的身体又粗笨又多毛，不该在光天化日之下看到。大部分的裸体男人只能让女人发笑。

浴室

男人：男人的浴室里有6样东西：一把牙刷、刮胡膏、刮胡刀、一块Dial牌肥皂、一块从假日酒店里顺手牵羊的毛巾。
女人：在一个典型女人的浴室，平均会有437样物品。男人认不出其中的绝大多数。

鞋子

女人：在准备上班的时候，女人会穿上羊毛套装，登上一双锐步运动鞋。她会把高跟鞋放在一个萨克斯的塑料袋子里。当女人到了公司，她会穿上高跟鞋。五分钟之后，她就会踢掉它们，因为她的脚已经躲在桌子下面了。

男人：男人整天都会穿着同一双鞋。我们就别去管他们多少天都穿着同一双袜子了。

猫

女人：女人喜欢猫。

男人：男人嘴上说，他们喜欢猫，但实际上，当女人看不见的时候，他们会把猫一脚踢开。

孩子

女人：女人了解她孩子的一切。她知道孩子和牙医的预约、足球比赛、恋爱情况、最好的朋友、最喜欢的事物、藏在心理的恐惧、希望和梦想。

男人：男人模模糊糊地知道有些小矮人生活在同一屋檐下。

穿戴整齐

女人：女人会为这些事情穿戴整齐：上街、浇花、清理垃圾、接电话、看书、取邮件。

男人：男人会为这些事情穿戴整齐：婚礼、葬礼。

洗衣服

女人：女人每两天洗一次衣服

男人：男人洗衣服之前，会把自己所有的衣服穿一遍，包括宽腿裤（八百年前流行过的那种）。当他最终没衣服穿的时候，他会把脏衣服翻过来穿、租一辆手 推车，把堆成山的脏衣服运到洗衣店。男人总是期望能在洗衣店邂逅美丽女人。这个迷信会再一次次重温过“美国式爱情”之后重新被点燃。

外出吃饭

男人：结账的时候，每个男人都会掏出一张20块的钞票，虽然一共只有22块5。没有人有更小面额的钞票，也没人会真去承认他们想要找回的零钱。

女人：当姑娘们拿到账单的时候，他们从口袋里掏出的是计算器。

镜子

男人：男人都爱慕虚荣，他们会照镜子打理自己。

女人：她们不可理喻，她们会用任何闪光的表面检查自己的样子：镜子、勺子、商店橱窗、光头佬的后脑勺。

更年期

女人：当一个女人进入更年期，她会经历一系列复杂的情绪、心理和生理变化。这些变化的性质和程度因人而异。

男人：男人的更年期会引发一致的反应：买飞行眼睛、时髦的法国帽子、皮手套、还会买辆保时捷跑车。

电话

男人：对男人来说，电话是沟通的工具。他们用电话给别人发短信。

女人：女人可以在在朋友家住了两周之后，一回到家就给同一个朋友打电话，一打就是仨小时。

李察吉尔

女人：女人喜欢李察吉尔，因为他散发着危险的性感。

男人：男人讨厌李察吉尔，因为他提醒他们，那些在健身俱乐部里工作的小白脸只和已婚女人约会。

麦当娜

和上面一样，只不过反过来。原因也一样。

玩具

女人：小姑娘喜欢玩玩具。她们11、2岁的时候，就会对玩具丧失兴趣。

男人：男人永远都不会停止对玩具的痴迷。他们长大之后，他们的玩具只会更贵、更白痴、更不实用。男人的玩具有这些：小型迷你电视、汽车电话、多功能榨汁机和搅拌器、图像均衡器、能按指令调鸡尾酒的小机器人、电视游戏、任何可以闪、叫、需要至少6节一号电池的东西。

照相机

男人：男人对照相很认真。他们会花4000美元买一套专业设备、建一个暗房、还会去上摄影课。

女人：女人们买柯达的傻瓜相机。当然，女人最后总是会照得更好。

更衣间

男人：男人在更衣间里谈论三件事情：钱、足球、女人。他们会夸大金钱，他们对于足球的无知程度几乎和他们自以为的了解程度一样，他们还会编造关于女人的段子。

女人：女人在更衣间里只谈论一件事情：性。还不是在抽象的层面。她们会极其细致地描述画面和技术，而且她们从来不说谎。

电影

女人：电影史上所有的女演员一定都演过裸戏。这是因为电影史上所有的电影都是男人导演的。

男人：电影上唯一一个曾演过裸戏的男演员是李察吉尔。这是另一个他们恨他的原因。

珠宝

女人：女人戴珠宝看起来很棒。

男人：男人最多戴一个戒指。如果他们戴着比这个好多，那么他看起来就会跟叫维克的酒吧歌手一样（叫这种名字的大多比较娘，或者是cross-dresser)。

对话

男人：男人开始说话都需要以一个强有力的反对意见开头。比方说，“嘿，电影真不错。”（女人）“你是笨蛋么？没有任何一个真警察会用那种大小的冲锋枪。”（男人）

女人：女人没有这个问题，她们试着跟男人开始对话的时候都要说些附和的话：“路边的那个花园看起来很可爱。”“嗯”停顿。“昨晚的餐馆真不错，对吧。”“对。”停顿。诸如此类。

护腿

女人：护腿很性感。即使是遛狗或者刷盘子，女人也可以穿护腿。她想什么时候都能穿。

男人：男人只能在去面试一个娘娘腔的时候才能穿护腿。

朋友

女人：女人在“闺蜜之夜”整晚都在说。

男人：男人们一起的夜晚，他们只说20个词，大多数都是“把薯片递过来”或者“还有啤酒么？”

卫生间

女人：女人把卫生间当做一个社交场合。素不相识的两个女人在离开卫生间的时候能像老朋友一样说笑。女人们去卫生间还总是成群结队，每次至少两个女人一起去卫生间。

男人：男人去卫生间纯粹处于生理需要。男人在卫生间里从来不跟别人说话。也从来没有一个男人会在饭桌上这么说：“嗨，汤姆，我要去尿尿，你要不要跟我一起去？”