Can you improve your conversation skills? Certainly.

    It might take a while to change the conversation habits that’s been ingrained throughout your life, but it is very possible.

    To not make this article longer than necessary let’s just skip right to some common mistakes many of us have made in conversations. And a couple of solutions.

    Not listening
    Ernest Hemingway once said:

    “I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”

    Don’t be like most people. Don’t just wait eagerly for your turn to talk. Put your own ego on hold. Learn to really listen to what people actually are saying.

    When you start to really listen, you’ll pick up on loads of potential paths in the conversation. But avoid yes or no type of questions as they will not give you much information. If someone mentions that they went fishing with a couple of friends last weekend you can for instance ask:

    Where did you go fishing? 
    What do you like most about fishing? 
    What did you do there besides fishing?
    The person will delve deeper into the subject giving you more information to work with and more paths for you choose from.

    If they say something like: “Oh, I don’t know” at first, don’t give up. Prod a little further. Ask again. They do know, they just have to think about a bit more. And as they start to open up the conversation becomes more interesting because it’s not on auto-pilot anymore.

    Asking too many questions
    If you ask too many questions the conversation can feel like a bit of an interrogation. Or like you don’t have that much too contribute. One alternative is to mix questions with statements. Continuing the conversation above you could skip the question and say:

    Yeah, it’s great to just get out with your friends and relax over the weekend. We like to take a six-pack out to the park and play some Frisbee golf. 

    Nice. We went out in my friend’s boat last month and I tried these new lures from Sakamura. The blue ones were really great.
    And then the conversation can flow on from there. And you can discuss Frisbee golf, the advantages/disadvantages of different lures or your favourite beer.

    Tightening up
    When in conversation with someone you just meet or when the usual few topics are exhausted an awkward silence or mood might appear. Or you might just become nervous not knowing exactly why.

    Leil Lowndes <!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--> once said: “Never leave home without reading the newspaper.” If you’re running out of things to say, you can always start talking about the current news. It’s also good to stay updated on current water cooler-topics. Like what happened on the latest episode of Lost. 

    Comment on the aquarium at the party, or that one girl’s cool Halloween-costume or the host’s mp3-playlist. You can always start new conversations about something in your surroundings. 

    Assume rapport. If you feel nervous or weird when meeting someone for the first time assume rapport. What that means is that you imagine how you feel when you meet one of your best friends. And pretend that this new acquaintance is one of your best friends. Don’t overdo it though, you might not want to hug and kiss right away. But if you imagine this you’ll go into a positive emotional state. And you’ll greet and start talking to this new person with a smile and a friendly and relaxed attitude. Because that’s how you talk to your friends. It might sound a bit loopy or too simple. But it really works.

    Poor delivery
    One of the most important things in a conversation is not what you say, but how you say it. A change in these habits can make a big difference since your voice and body language is a vital part of communication. Some things to think about:

    Slowing down. When you get excited about something it’s easy to start talking faster and faster. Try and slow down. It will make it much easier for people to listen and for you actually get what you are saying across to them. 

    Speaking up. Don’t be afraid to talk as loud as you need to for people to hear you. 

    Speaking clearly. Don’t mumble. 

    Speak with emotion. No one listens for that long if you speak with a monotone voice. Let your feelings be reflected in your voice. 

    Using pauses. Slowing down your talking plus adding a small pause between thoughts or sentences creates a bit of tension and anticipation. 

    People will start to listen more attentively to what you’re saying. Listen to one of Brian Tracys cds or Steve Pavlina’s podcasts. Listen to how using small pauses makes what they are saying seem even more interesting. 

    Learn a bit about improving your body language as it can make your delivery a lot more effective. Read about laughter, posture and how to hold your drink in 18 ways to improve your body language.

    Hogging the spot-light

    I’ve been guilty of this one on more occasions than I wish to remember.  Everyone involved in a conversation should get their time in the spotlight. Don’t interrupt someone when they are telling some anecdote or their view on what you are discussing to divert the attention back to yourself. Don’t hijack their story about skiing before it’s finished to share your best skiing-anecdote. Find a balance between listening and talking.

    Having to be right
    Avoid arguing and having to being right about every topic. Often a conversation is not really a discussion. It’s a more of a way to keep a good mood going. No one will be that impressed if you “win” every conversation. Instead just sit back, relax and help keep the good feelings going.

    Talking about a weird or negative topic
    If you’re at a party or somewhere were you are just getting to know some people you might want to avoid some topics. Talking about your bad health or relationships, your crappy job or boss, serial killers, technical lingo that only you and some other guy understands or anything that sucks the positive energy out of the conversation are topics to steer clear from. You might also want to save religion and politics for conversations with your friends.

    Being boring
    Don’t prattle on about your new car for 10 minutes oblivious to your surroundings. Always be prepared to drop a subject when you start to bore people. Or when everyone is getting bored and the topic is starting to run out of steam.

    One good way to have something interesting to say is simply to lead an interesting life. And to focus on the positive stuff. Don’t start to whine about your boss or your job, people don’t want to hear that. Instead, talk about your last trip somewhere, some funny anecdote that happened while you where buying clothes, your plans for New Years Eve or something funny or exciting.

    Another way is just to be genuinely interested. As Dale Carnegie <!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--> said:

    “You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”

    Knowing a little about many things or at least being open to talk about them instead of trying to steer the conversation back to your favourite subject is a nice quality.

    Meaning: talking for what seems like hours about one topic. Topics may include work, favourite rock-band, TV-show and more work.

    Opening up a bit and not clinging desperately to one topic will make the conversation feel more relaxed and open. You will come across like a person who can talk about many things with ease. As you’ve probably experienced with other people; this quality is something you appreciate in a conversation and makes you feel like you can connect to that person easily.

    Not reciprocating
    Open up and say what you think, share how you feel. If someone shares an experience, open up too and share one of your experiences. Don’t just stand there nodding and answer with short sentences. If someone is investing in the conversation they’d like you to invest too.

    Like in so many areas in life, you can’t always wait for the other party to make the first move. When needed, be proactive and be the first one to open up and invest in the conversation. One way is by replacing some questions with statements. It makes you less passive and makes take a sort of stand.

    Not contributing much
    You might feel that you don’t have much to contribute to a conversation. But try anyway. Really listen and be interested in what the others are saying. Ask questions. Make relating statements.

    Open your eyes too. Develop your observational skills to pick up interesting stuff in your surroundings to talk about. Develop your personal knowledge-bank by expanding your view of interesting things in the world. Read the newspapers and keep an eye on new water cooler-topics.

    Work on your body language, how you talk and try assuming rapport to improve your communication skills.

    But take it easy. Don’t do it all at once. You’ll just feel confused and overwhelmed. Instead, pick out the three most important things that you feel needs improving. Work on them every day for 3-4 weeks. Notice the difference and keep at it. Soon your new habits will start to pop up spontaneously when you are in a conversation.

    你能提高你的交谈能力吗？

    答案是肯定的。

    改变你根深蒂固的交谈方式要花一些时间，但是这是可能的。

    为了使这篇文章不过于冗长让我们跳到我们交谈中常犯的一些错误上来。并且提供一些解决方案。

    不会倾听

    厄尼斯特·海明威曾经说过：

    “我喜欢倾听。我曾经从仔细倾听中学到了很多东西。很多人从来不倾听。”

    不要像很多人那样，不要仅仅被动地等着发言。把握自我，学着倾听人们真正在说什么。

    当你真正开始倾听的时候，你会找到谈话中潜在的路径。但是要防止提出只需要回答是或者不是的问题因为它们不会给你提供太多信息。比如说如果有人提到他上周末和几个朋友一起去钓鱼你可以这么问：

    · 你去哪里钓鱼了？

    · 你最喜欢钓鱼的哪方面？

    · 除了钓鱼你还做什么了？

    这个人就会深入考察这个问题来给你提供更多信息并且更多交谈的路径供你选择。

    如果它们一开始这么说：“哦，我不知道”，不要放弃，进一步提问，再问一遍。它们知道，它们只是需要再多想一想。并且当他们开始放开，这个谈话就变的更有意思，因为这个谈话不再是机械式的了。

    问太多的问题

    如果你问太多的问题，这个谈话就变的更像是审判。或者看起来你对这次谈话没做太多贡献。一个选择是用陈述把这些问题混合起来。继续上述的谈话你可以跳过问题并且说：

    · 是啊，只是和朋友周末一起出去放松就很棒了。我们喜欢带上半打啤酒去公园并且玩飞碟高尔夫。

    ·很好，我们上个月乘着我朋友的船出去并且我尝试了这些来自Sakaruma的新的鱼饵，这种蓝色的非常棒。

    这样谈话就可以从这里继续了。你可以谈一下飞碟高尔夫，这种不同的鱼饵的优点和缺点或者你最喜欢的啤酒。

    紧张

    当你和一个你刚刚认识的人谈话或者通常的几个问题都聊完了一个棘手的沉静或者氛围就会出现。或者你仅仅因为不知道为什么而紧张。

    · Leil Lowndes曾经说过：“不要没读报纸就走出家门”如果你没有东西说了，你可以聊一下当下的新闻。我们最好了解最新的话题，就像最近一季的迷失演的是什么。

    · 在一个聚会上讨论鱼缸或者一个女孩的万圣节装束或者主人的mp3播放列表。你总是可以用你身边的一些东西开始你的谈话。

    · 假定当谈话融洽。如果当你第一遇见一个人的时候感觉紧张和古怪，那就假装很融洽。哪意味着你假想着你遇到了你最好的一个朋友。并且假定这个新认识的人是你最好的朋友之一。不要做过了，你应该不想去拥抱并且亲吻。但是当你这么想的时候你会进入一个积极的情感状态，并且你会欢迎他并且你会微笑并且充满友善，态度放松的和这个新认识的人开始谈话。这听起来可能有点呆头呆脑或者太简单，但是这非常有用。

    差劲的信息传递方式

    在谈话中最重要的不是你说了什么，而是你怎么说。改变这些不好的习惯会又打的不同因为你的声音和肢体语言在谈话中是至关重要的。一些事情要被考虑：

    ·放慢语速，当你对什么事情感到很兴奋的时候你很容易语速越来越快，尝试把速度放慢，这会使对方更容易听明白并且使你知道你对它们说了什么。

    ·大声说，不要害怕，说的尽量大声让人们听清楚你说什么。

    ·清楚的说，不要喃喃而语。

    ·带着感情的说。没有人会很长时间的听你说话如果你很单调的说啊说。

    ·使用停顿，慢慢的说并且在你思考的时候或者句子之间加上一些停顿可以产生一些紧张和预期。人们会更加留心听你在说什么。听布莱恩·翠西的CD或者史蒂夫·帕弗利那的播客。听它们怎样使用短暂的停顿似的它们说的话更有意思。

    ·学习一些技巧改进你的肢体语言因为他会是你的信息传递更加有效。阅读有关笑容，姿势和怎么用18种姿势拿着你的饮料来改进你的肢体语言。

    在谈话中抢着出风头

    在很多我不愿回忆的场合里，我对这一点感到羞愧。在对话中每一个人都应该有在大家注视下说话的机会。当他们在诉说一些关于你们所谈论事物的趣闻或者观点不要打扰别人来让大家的注意力集中到你身上。在别人谈论他们关于滑雪的故事结束之前不要打断他们的故事来分享你自己最好的滑雪趣闻。要在听和说之间找到平衡。

    强词夺理

    要避免争论并且让自己关于每一个问题的观点都是正确的。通常一次谈话不是一个真正的讨论。它更多的是使气氛良好的方式。如果你“赢”了每一次谈论，没人会铭记于心。相反，只要什么都不做，放松并且让好的感觉继续就好。

    讨论怪异的或者消极的话题

    如果你是参加一个聚会，在这个聚会里你只需要认识一些人，那么你要防止谈论一些话题。讨论你糟糕的健康问题或者人际关系，你早糟糕的工作或者老板，连环谋杀案，只有你和其他一些人知道的技术性行话或者任何破坏谈话积极气氛的话题是要避免的。在谈话中你也应该保留你和朋友不同的宗教和政治的观点。

    变得无聊

    不要絮絮叨叨忘我的讨论你的新车超过十分钟。通常当你开始让别人厌烦的时候要抛弃这个话题，或者当所有人都感到厌烦并且这个话题开始刹不住的时候。

    一个让自己有有意思的事情说的方法是过有意思的生活，并且关注积极的东西。不要抱怨你的老板或者你的工作，人们不会想听到那些。作为替代，讨论你最近的一次旅行，一些当你买衣服的时候发生的有意思的轶事，你的新年计划或者一些有意思或者让人高兴的事情。

    另外的方式就是要真正的有兴趣。就像Dale Carnegie说的那样：

    “你对别人比对自己有兴趣，就可以在两个月里交更多的朋友。在两年中你可以使更多的人对你感兴趣。这也是将心比心的另外一种说法。”

    对很多事情都知道一点或者至少敢于谈论它们而不是想会比这个话题而转向你熟悉的话题是一种很好的品质。

    意义：讨论一个话题似乎是几个小时。话题应该包括工作，最喜欢的摇滚乐队，电视演出和更多的工作。

    思维开阔而且不要死死抓住一个话题不放会让谈话更轻松和开放。你会遇到可以轻松谈论很多事情的人。因为你很可能已经有和其他人交谈的经历；这个能力是你在交谈中领会的并且使你感觉到你可以更轻松的和那个人交流。

    非交互式

    打开思想说你想的，分享你的感觉。如果别人分享一段经历，放开谈一段你自己的经历，不要只站在那里点头并且只给予简短的回答。如果别人在谈话中很投入那么他们也希望你也很投入。

    像生活中的很多领域一样，你不能等着另一部分动第一下。当需要的时候，主动一些，开启一次谈话并且率先投入。一个方式就是用陈述替换一些问题。它会让你不那么主动并且保持立场。

    没什么可谈的

    你或许会感觉到你在谈话中没什么可谈的。但是无论如何要尝试一下。做到真正的倾听并且对别人说的话感兴趣。提出问题。做一些相关的陈述。

    你也要睁开你的眼睛，开发你的观察能力来捕捉你周围又意思的东西来谈论。通过扩展你对这个世界上有意思东西的视角开发你的个人知识储备。阅读报纸并且留意新的话题。

    继续你的肢体语言，怎样去说并且假定融洽来改进你的交流技巧。

    不过轻松一点。不要一次做完，那样你只会感到困惑和被打到。相反，改进你认为最重要的三个方面。在三到四周内每天对付它们，留意不同的地方并且保持下去。很快当你谈话你的新习惯会自动跳出来