No one likes to feel crappy, right?

Certain powerful sensations and emotions are simply uncomfortable, if not downright painful. For some people, feeling sadness or grief is nearly intolerable; others would rather cry for an hour than feel intense anxiety or fear. Having experienced some form of depression on and off since my teens (and having grown almost used to it), I’ve always fallen in the latter category. I’d rather bear those ills I know, if I have to bear any ills at all.

Interestingly enough, it was in experiencing some new ones that I learned something about the old ones, and stumbled across a more effective way of dealing with both.

Desolation
A Personal Story

A year and a half ago my money started to run out. It was January, my town was buried in several feet of snow, and I was unemployed and living in a dark one-room apartment. For the first time in my life, an overwhelming anxiety took possession of me — and, truly, it was like possession — along with something like agoraphobia. I remember standing inside the entrance of a Target superstore one day in late winter, enveloped in what I can only describe as existential terror. (Never mind the valid sociological argument that the proper human response to a Target superstore is existential terror. That’s fodder for a another post, another time!) The warehouse-sized building full of endless rows of merchandise seemed foreign, overwhelming, even somehow menacing. I wove uneasily among adjacent departments, avoiding the aisles like a frightened rabbit. I was unprepared and uncomprehending. What was happening to me?

I had never before experienced such protracted and uninterrupted periods of unmitigated fear. Every morning I woke up consumed with dread; all day long my exhausted adrenals pumped fight-or-flight hormones throughout my body. In the ensuing months, I had a bout of pneumonia; my upstairs neighbor (a drummer in a rock band) and his drunken buddies awakened me consistently most nights around four a.m., until I developed insomnia; I started a high-stress job as administrator for an organization that had only two paid full-time staff; and I packed up all my belongings and moved in with an acquaintance to escape my neighbor’s nightly after-parties, which no amount of negotiating and pleading had quieted.

I have never been quite the same since. The cumulative effect of all of this on my nervous system was such that no amount of herbal therapy, yoga, acupuncture, hot baths, or the conventional prescription and nonprescription drugs I tried without success could completely mitigate the aftershock. Even now I sleep lightly, and not infrequently with difficulty. I feel the vibrations of adjacent footfalls and bass lines in my bones. There is a tightness, an almost painful constriction in my chest that I can feel acutely when I become still and empty my busy mind. Oftentimes meditation and relaxation are synonymous with a greater awareness of this discomfort. Depending on its intensity, it can feel like anything from restlessness to outright panic. It increases under certain stressors, like when I’m faced with the necessity of moving again. A task such as packing can literally give me heart palpitations.
Thinking about Feelings

Certain thoughts about controlling these feelings just exacerbate them, too. Well-meaning converts to the Law of Attraction, who caution me that such “negativity” will create more of the same in my life, only help to increase the anxiety by turning up the volume on my own obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Step on a crack, break my mother’s back. Quick, don’t think a bad thing! Oh my God, I’ve done it now…

Note that I said certain thoughts about controlling these feelings. Ever the rationalist by nature (or more likely by nurture), my first instinct is to try to solve my discomfort by thinking even more about it. Despite years of evidence to the contrary, I seem to believe that ruminating endlessly upon the possible causes of my distress will somehow make it go away. Why am I feeling bad? Let’s dissect this from every possible angle! A good seventy percent of the therapy I underwent for a decade (for depression) involved an endless and often fruitless dissection of my past in an attempt to alleviate the pain in my present. But adding context did not necessarily create relief.

In fact, it frequently seemed that the more I obsessed about my perceived troubles and “issues,” the harder I tried to “fix” these intractable “problems” I had, the bigger and more solid they grew and the more frustrating they became. As if my constantly spinning thoughts were actually spinning them into a gigantic snowball. The story gained momentum with each retelling.

Last summer I picked up The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle for the first time, and at once something clicked. With incredibly lucid, unadorned prose, he describes exactly how we perpetuate our own suffering in our minds, keeping our pain and worry alive with our repetitive thoughts about past and future. We expend a great deal of energy this way creating problems for ourselves, and making ourselves a problem, when what would actually free us is a return to awareness of the present moment (the only moment that truly exists). Although I’d read something like this before in other books — usually by prominent Buddhist teachers — it hadn’t sunk in on more than an intellectual level. And I had certainly never known how to apply it in my day-to-day life.
Non-Resistance

The key word he used was nonresistance. Which meant neither running away from discomfort nor fighting it. Instead of immediately commencing the usual struggle, he recommended that we allow the feeling, and give it no more attention than nonjudgmental observation. I honestly didn’t know if I could I sit still and just be with an experience, even when the experience was wholly unpleasant, but it was worth a try. Could I refrain from jumping on the thought train and turning everything into a major issue? Could I break a lifelong, ingrained, unconscious habit?

The answer turned out to be yes — when I’m paying attention! I’m a lot more conscious of my unconscious reactions now than I was, so when the intense anxiety possesses me, as it did when I was in the midst of packing for my latest move, I can sometimes catch myself in the act of resistance.

I was in the car with an old and dear friend, on the way to what I had hoped would be a lovely Sunday brunch, when it seized me, violently, like a blindsided hostage. I was seasick with dread; my stomach knotted and my heart raced. The downtown streets looked ugly, squalid, and hostile. At first I tried to fight the feeling, then despaired at the thought that our outing was ruined.

Suddenly I remembered Tolle’s words: resist nothing.

I relaxed into my discomfort. As if it were the most normal thing in the world. Okay, I decided, so I’m going to feel like this right now. I neither battled nor ignored the sensations, but simply allowed them to blow through my system like a minor typhoon, as my friend continued to tell me about her new house. By the time we were parking, they were already ebbing away. When we sat down at a table, it was hard for me to believe how I had felt only minutes before, and we did have a lovely brunch, after all.

Who woulda thought it? Certainly not me. But that’s the beauty of not thinking.
A Beautiful Meditation

A postscript for other anxiety and panic sufferers: in addition to surrender, I have found this breathing meditation, adapted from Thich Nhat Hanh (and borrowing a gesture from Kundalini yoga), very helpful. It can be done while lying down or sitting in your favorite meditation posture. Placing your right hand over your heart, breathe deeply from the belly while silently reciting each line with the appropriate inhalation or exhalation:

Breathing in, I calm my heart.
Breathing out, I smile at my heart.

Suspending each in-breath and out-breath for a few seconds will help slow your pulse.

没人喜欢不适的感觉，对吗？

这样强烈的感觉和情绪，如果不是完全的痛苦，那只是简单的不适。对有些人来说，感到悲伤或忧愁，几乎是不可忍受的；另一些人则情愿大哭一个小时，而不愿感受强烈的担心或害怕。在我十几岁的时候断断续续得过几种抑郁症（随着我的成长我几乎习惯了它的存在），我总是会患上最近的一个种类的抑郁症。如果我要完全承受任何病痛，我情愿承受我知道的那些病痛。

非常有趣的是，在我经历一些新的病痛时，我学到了一些与旧的病痛有关的东西，并且偶然发现了一个治疗两者都更有效的方法。

Desolation

一个我自己的故事

一年半之前，我的钱快要用光了。那是在一月，我的家乡被几英寸厚的雪掩盖，我失业在家，住在一个暗无天日的一室户里。在我的人生中是第一次，一种极度的担忧占据我的内心——事实上，它就像侵占——有点像是广场恐惧症。我记得在冬季的夜晚，我站在一个Target超市入口内，被我一种感觉紧紧包围，我只能将它形容为存在感的恐惧。(从没注意有充分根据的社会评论说特有的人对Target超市会感到存在感的恐惧。那是另一个地方，另一个时间的创作素材！) 像仓库一样大的建筑物放满了望不到尽头的货物，好象是国外生产的，势如破竹，甚至是有点危险的。我艰难的在相邻的货架之间穿梭，像是一只受惊的兔子避开走道。我没有准备好也不懂。发生什么了？

我之前从没有经历过，在如此漫长的、停止不了的一段时间里，感到彻头彻尾的害怕。每天早上我醒来的时候都被恐惧弄得身心疲惫；整整一天我几近枯竭的肾上腺素遍布我的全身。随后的几个月，我在和肺炎作斗争；我楼上的邻居（一个摇滚乐队的鼓手）和他那些喝醉的朋友，持续地在几乎每个晚上，大概凌晨四点吵醒我，直到我患了失眠；我开始一个压力很大的工作，是一个只有两个全职全薪员工的组织的管理者；我打包了所有的东西，搬去和一个朋友一起住，以此来逃避我邻居的午夜派对，没有任何谈判和争辩，安静了下来。

在这件事发生之前，我从来没有如此安静过。这对我的神经系统累积的作用是，任何剂量的中药、瑜伽、针灸、热浴，或是传统的处方或非处方药我都试过，都不能完全缓和后遗症。直到现在我仍然睡得很浅，并且偶尔会睡不着。我感觉得到隔壁走路的振动和我骨头里低沉的声音。当我静下来并且抛开繁忙的思绪时，我强烈的感到有一个密不透风的、几乎令我痛苦的阻塞物在我的胸口。沉思和放松与更强烈地感到这种不适时常相生相伴。由于不同的强度，我会产生各种情绪，从烦躁不安到彻底的恐慌。这些情绪在一定的刺激下会增强，比如当我面对必须再次搬家的问题的时候。一项工作，像是打包，简直会使我心悸。
回想感受

想要控制这些感觉的想法也只会加重它们。善意的行为转变为吸引力法则（Law of Attraction），这个法则提醒我这样的“否定性”会在生活中产生出一样的情绪，提高嗓门只会加重我自己对强迫观念与行为的趋势的担心。踩上去一声响，弄伤我妈妈的背了。快，不要想不好的事情！哦，天呐，我现在就在想……

注意，我说的是一定的回想能控制这些感觉. 即使是天生的理性主义者（或者应该算天生的），我试着缓解我的不适的第一直觉是更多地回想它. 尽管这些年都在做南辕北辙的事，我似乎相信，无休止地反复思考可能造成我的烦恼的原因，会以某种方式解决这个问题。我为什么觉得难受？让我们从每一个可能的角度剖析它！十年来，我尝试的治疗中，至少百分之七十（令人失望地）采用无休止地，并且一般是无意义地剖析我的过去的方法，企图以此来缓解我现在的痛苦。但是要产生放松情绪，制造相应环境不是必需的。

事实上，看来往往我对之前的麻烦和“问题”纠结得越多，我越加牢牢的“盯住”这些难对付的“问题”，他们变得更大、更顽固，于是他们变得更消极。如果我不断地围绕这些问题回想，事实上他们会越滚越大，变成一个巨大的雪球。这个故事从复述中得到了推进力。

去年夏天，我第一次读了Eckhart Tolle写的《当下的力量》（The Power of Now），并且当即收到了一些启发。通过不可置信的清晰的、不加渲染的散文形式，他精确地描述了我们如何一直让自己受着自己的思想的折磨，重复回想过去和将来让我们的痛苦和担忧一直持续着。我们花很大的精力通过这种方式为自己制造问题，并且把自己变成一个问题。此时，真正能够解放我们的是回到感受当下的状态（只是真正存在的这一刻）。虽然我以前也在其他书里读到过类似的东西——一般是杰出的佛学家写的——它没有渗入到比智力水平更深的层面。当然，我从不知道怎么把它运用到我的日常生活中去。

没有反抗行为

他用的关键词是没有反抗行为。意思是既不逃避烦闷也不与它作斗争。他建议我们纵容那种感觉，而不是立即着手与它斗争，并且给与它更多的关注而不是无关紧要的观察。我真的不知道，如果我安静地坐着，并且只是感受着，甚至当这种感受是彻头彻尾地令人不快时，会是怎样，不过这值得一试。我能控制自己，不因沉思而跳脚并且把所有问题都变成主要问题吗？我能打破一个终身养成的、根深蒂固的、毫无意识的习惯吗？

当我开始注意它时，答案揭晓，我能——我现在对我的无意识反应比以前有意识多了，因此当强烈的担忧占据我，就像我觉得我是在我最后一次搬家的时候，我有时能够在反抗的行为中控制我自己。

我和我的一个亲密的老朋友在车上，前往我希望会是一个快乐的周日早午餐的地方，烦闷情绪猛烈袭来，我就像一个无意识的人质。我因害怕而晕眩；我的胃翻滚着，我的心脏狂跳。市中心的街道看上去丑陋、肮脏、充满敌意。一开始我试着抵抗这种感觉，然后失望地认为我们的出行被毁了。

突然我记起Tolle的话：不抵抗任何东西。

我在我的烦闷中放松了下来。就像这是世界上再正常不过的事。好， 我决定了，我现在开始这样去想.当我的朋友一直在和我说她的新房子时，我既不和这种感觉斗争也不忽略它，而只是让它们像一个小型台风一样吹过我的神经系统。当我们停车的时候，它们已经褪去了。当我在桌边坐下，我很难相信仅仅几分钟前我所感觉到的。并且在那之后我们确实愉快的享用了早午餐。

谁会再去想它？肯定不是我。但是这是不去想的魅力。
一种极好的沉思

给其他被忧虑和恐慌折磨的人附言：除了放弃之外，我发现这个呼吸沉思法，改编自Thich Nhat Hanh（并且从生命力瑜伽中借用了一个姿势），非常有帮助。它可以或躺或坐着进行，以你最喜欢的沉思姿势就可以。把你的右手放在心脏部位，腹式深呼吸，同时伴随适当的呼气或吸气平静地阅读下面两行字：

吸气，我的心平静了。
呼气，我会心地微笑。

每一次吸气和呼气保持几秒时间会帮助减缓你的心跳。